if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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