i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
