Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
