Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
