she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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