A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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