I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
