so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
