My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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