Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
