we made out on top of his cat.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
