Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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