my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
