I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
