I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I want a musical about memes.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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