We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
