Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
