My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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