I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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