Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
