Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
