Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
