oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
