I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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