WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
