If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize