I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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