i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
