So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
