I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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