Say something about gay babies.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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