I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
