its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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