I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
