I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
