I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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