i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
