Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
