Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
