hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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