The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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