Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
