It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
