Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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