the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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