That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
