You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
