i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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