I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
