whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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