I wish they made helmets for livers.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
