I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
