i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
