Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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