Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
