i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
