just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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