Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
